Pride, my enemy.

So two stupid Swarovski bracelets put me in a bad mood and made me somewhat emotional tonight. Why am I upset? I was doing just fine until he dropped the girls off. I've realized that I absolutely hate to see him. And it's not like I see him and I think, "Damn, he's so good-looking and he's not with me." Instead, what really crosses my mind is, "Eeew, he's fat and has a beer gut and it bothers me that he has no neck and what's up with those ugly ass shoes," and yet, it affects me that he, dorky-looking guy, dumped me. I mean, I, the awesomest girl in the universe, got dumped and by whom and for whom. I admit it, it kills me. So I've come to the conclusion that what truly hurts me is my damn pride. Yup, I suffer from major pride issues and knowing that I've been hit where it hurts me the most, is what makes me fall back into this pattern of ups and downs. What I truly need to do is learn to fight this problem, or as my book calls it, my stronghold (or bondage). Once I let that go, I know I will be completely and utterly healed. So how do I let that go? Prayer? Spells? Time? Truly, it sucks.

Dear Girls:

I just came back from a wonderful, relaxing, fun-filled weekend at Tio Casey and Tia Mariela's farm up in Virginia and I had some time to think about our situation on a more practical level. I put all feelings and emotions aside and analyzed our situation as best I could. I've realized that no matter how your father wants to spin the story, at the end of the day, he disposed of us. He told himself it wasn't "working out," whatever that means, and simply abandoned us. What makes it even worst is the fact that he moved on so fast. I can't help but feel like we were disposed like garbage. That he already is starting a new family with the whore who in one way or the other broke our home is beyond me. I don't think he's emotionally fit to provide a stable home for you guys. Time sharing? Say what? Allow you beautiful, innocent princesses to spend time with two fucked up individuals is unacceptable. The law is stupid. It says unless he physically hits you, I can't do anything about it. I have to disagree. I think emotional abuse is even worst and in my heart, I know time sharing you ladies and allowing you girls to live with a new whore and a bastard would be detrimental to your upbringing. I will do what I can to protect you both from them. They are evil and I don't want you girls surrounded by negative vibes. How can you help but feel replaced and abandoned? He still doesn't understand how terrible this whole situation is. And his entire family is just as messed up as he is. All they think about is individual happiness. What a bunch of selfish blip-blip-blip. It also kills me keeping secrets from you guys. One day you'll read this and understand me better. For now I must seem strong and invincible to you and I must say, I find my strength and my courage from you guys. I am and will try to be that superhero for you both. I will protect and do anything in my power to make you happy.

I love you both so much.

Mommy

It's ON

I met Haymitch today and hired him. Let the games begin and may the odds and God be ever in my favor. I'm ready and I'm strong. I know it.

Invincible

So some time has passed since I first found out my husband and his mistress are having a child and in this past month and a half, I feel I've become a different person. Someone who is now covered by an invisible shield that is protecting me from anything and anyone. Call me crazy but I do believe in that divine power that can protect me against demons and evil spirits lurking among us. Crazy Christian? I don't think so. I'd say I can finally SEE. I don't expect anyone to understand how I feel or how powerful I feel. I feel invincible because I have a powerful weapon walking by my side and guiding me. I know He is with me. When? Why? What the heck is she smoking, you might ask? All I have to say is that girlfriend is smoking nothing. I'm just high on divine power. I, my friends, am going through what I believe is a spiritual journey. And I also believe such journey can only be experienced by someone who has been completely broken. It's true when they say that precious fruit often grows in the midst of overwhelming difficulties and that faith grows best on cloudy, rainy days. I know it's cliche but I am another example of that truth. As much as I've hated going through all of this, my experience has given me the relationship with God that I didn't have before and there's such peace in knowing that. I used to make fun of people who only sought God when facing difficulties and I was quick to judge them. I was so wrong. What I did not realize was that in order for someone to truly open their eyes to that world God intended us to see, they must fall first and hard. Afterward, what you see and how you see things are so different from how you saw before. I now find joy and beauty in everything I see. I am surrounded by true beauty. I want everyone to see and experience what I see, it really is wonderful. I'm still human and I'm still the same person, but at the same time, I feel different. I feel better. I am better. I glow.

Girl on Fire... and I'm not talking about Katniss.

... Oh Hunger Games, how I waited and waited and waited for you ever since I first read the book back in 2009. From picturing Rachael Leigh Cook as Katniss to Phillip Seymour Hoffman as Haymitch, I've followed to heart every little step taken to make a movie out of this wonderful, amazing trilogy. I remember how I first downloaded the first book to my kindle and read it in a couple of days, only to find out that when I was ready to download the second one, it wasn't available through the kindle. I cursed Amazon that night, but woke up the next morning determined to buy book two at my local Barnes and Noble. That being taken care of, I finished book two in a couple of days as well, but was heartbroken to find out I had to wait almost an entire year for the release of book three. How I waited, and waited, and waited for August 2010 to get my hands on Mockingjay. But that day came and I finally downloaded Mockingjay to my beloved kindle. It only took me a day to read book three and I remember finishing the story at 4am, feeling confused, happy and so empty. It was over. Forever. I walked like a zombie for a week, haunted by the story. Since then, my passion for the story only tripled. I've undertaken a huge marketing campaign promoting its greatness and feeling great when my friends started reading them. It literally makes me happy when I get another convert.
Anyway, when it was finally announced that a movie would be in the works, I jumped from joy. This started many discussions among my own "District 12" book club, about who'd be great as such and such. Names flew here and there for months, until the actual casting began. I remember checking my Twitter daily for information about the movie and www.mockingjay.net (yes, THAT obsessed). Well, you all know how crazy from anticipation I've been these past few months. And finally, the day came yesterday when I got to watch my movie.

And the final verdict: It was so worth it!
All I have to say is that the movie was very good. I went in knowing it would never for a million years surpass the book itself. However, I don't know if perhaps I went in expecting more visual effects, more scenes from the book or more of a blockbuster, over-the-top, teenage movie, but I know I left content with a very real, very solid, very adult adaptation of perhaps my favorite book of all times. I cannot wait to see what direction they'll take for Catching Fire. I guess I will just have to mope about it until November 2013.

Speechless

Sometimes life hits you so hard you're left speechless and feeling numb. But this is when I look up, pray to the Lord and ask him for guidance and enlightenment. My life might be spinning out of control, but I will find my way and since I've never lost sight of what really matters, I will come out of this with my head held even higher and with a better future. I guarantee it. For my girls, for my family, for myself. Just you wait.

2-22-12

Dear Girls:

As I watch you sleep, I think about all the love, happiness and joy you bring into my life. I could not ask for two better angels to keep me company. With you in my life, I could never really feel lonely. Ever. I believe that you are all the family I need and although things can change fast and don't always go as plan, I know the three of us are going to thrive as the family that we still are. Our journey is just beginning. Hold on tight because I plan to make it great. Just know that mommy is not sad anymore.

Love always,
Mommy